英语的笑话[集合]

英语的笑话1

　　Lead us not into temptation

英语的笑话[集合]

　　A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us ourtrespasses."

　　When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

英语的笑话2

　　how do i get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出来

　　distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. when the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "i'm meeting my wife right away. how do i get the gum out from my ears?"

　　当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

英语的笑话3

　　A foreign visitor touring the great American West came across an Indian with his ear pressed tothe ground. 一位外国游客到美国大西部游览，碰到一个印第安人把耳朵紧贴在地上。

　　"What are you listening for?" heasked. "你在听什么呢?"他询问道。

　　“为了向你表示谢意，我送你一只龙虾。”说着他便给老板一只活蹦乱跳的大龙虾。

　　"Well, that's very kind of you. My wife and I will have it for dinner. " “您真好，我太太和我将以它当晚餐。”

　　"Oh, he's already had dinner. But I am sure he'd love to take in a movie. " “喔，它已经吃过晚餐了，但我想它会喜欢看场电影。”

英语的笑话4

　　"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."

　　"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."

　　"But has he finished his own cake?"

　　"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

　　"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"

　　"没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"

　　"他已经吃完自己的了么？"

　　"是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"

英语的'笑话5

　　Do You Know My Work?

　　One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their nigh clothes. Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

　　“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don’t think of money when they’re afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find.No one will be poorer because I took them.” “You don’t know my work，” said the other. “What is your work?” “I’m a policeman.

　　“Oh!” cried the first man. He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work?”“No，”said the policeman. “I’m a writer. I’m always telling stories about things that never happened.”

　　【译文】

　　你知道我是干什么的吗?

　　一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡衣就跑了出来，趣味英语：笑话三则。两个人站在外面，看着大火。

　　“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。” “你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。 “你是干什么的?”

　　“我是警察。”

　　“噢!”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的?”“不知道。”警察说。 “我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”

　　Who is the laziest

　　Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?

　　Jack:I don`t know ,father.

　　Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?

　　Jack:Our teacher ,father.

　　【译文】

　　谁是最懒惰的

　　爸爸：杰克，我今天已经和你的老师谈过了，现在我想问你，谁是你们班上最懒的.人?

　　杰克：我不知道，爸爸

　　爸爸：你再好好想想，当别的同学都在读书写字的时候，谁楞在那儿仅仅是看着其他人?

　　杰克：是我们的老师，爸爸

　　What Is a Traitor?

　　Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics?”

　　Father(a veteran politician)：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.”

　　Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?”

　　Father：“A convert，my son.”

　　【译文】

　　什么叫叛徒?

　　有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒?”

　　父亲(一位老资格的政治家)：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人，中小学英语《趣味英语：笑话三则》。”

　　有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢?”

　　父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

英语的笑话6

　　a teacher said to her class：“who was the first man?”

　　有个老师问班上的学生：“谁是第一个男人?”

　　“george washington，”a little boy shouted promptly."

　　乔治·华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。

　　“how do you make out that george washington was the first man?”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently.

　　“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢?”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。

　　“because，”said the little boy，“he was first in war，first in peace，and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”

　　小男孩说：“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。”

　　but at this point a larger boy held up his hand.

　　这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。

　　“well，”said the teacher to him，“who do you think was the first man?”

　　“那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢?”

　　“i don't know what his name was，”said the larger boy，“but i know it wasn't george washington，ma’am，because the history book says george washington married a widow，so，of course，there must have been a man ahead of him.”

　　“我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的.男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿娶了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。

英语的笑话7

不是我烧的

　　有个领导到学校去，想要看看历史科教得好不好。

　　找到一个学生，灵机一动，考他："阿房宫是谁烧的?"

　　学生吓个半死，直说"不是我烧的"。

　　领导气得去找校长，校长竟说："本校的道德教育应该没有问题，他说不是他烧的，应该就不是他烧的。"

　　惩罚不是目的'

　　老师刚罚完一名不守纪律的学生，然后谆谆教导我们:"你们要明白,惩罚不是目的......"

　　后排角落里传来一句："是手段!"

　　好机智的男同学

　　昨天我一个男同学匿名在学校贴吧发了个帖子，

　　大概内容是"夏天好热，穿短裙求陪同～"

　　什么一个人穿不好意思啊求组队大家一起穿，

　　楼下一群妹子回复好啊好啊。

　　结果第二天学校就看到好多大白腿呀!

　　哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈造福群众深藏功与名。

英语的笑话8

　　Pulling alongside our drive-up bank window, a woman was not happy with her position. So she backed up and pulled closer. Still not satisfied, she backed away and tried again. After five attempts, she finally parked the car and rolled down her window. I greeted her with a simple "Good morning".

　　"Good morning," she replied cheerfully. "I'm going to have to use this drive-up all the time. It's so easy!"

　　一位妇女把车沿着我们银行的驱车直达窗口开过来，可她并不满意于她停的位置。因此她倒车，靠得更近点。还是不满意，倒车，再来。五次努力后，终于她把车停下来，摇下车窗。我简单地问候她一声“早上好”。

　　“早上好，”她愉快地回答说，“以后我都要使用这种驱车直达窗口。真是如此的方便。”

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, Gigantic Sale! and Super Bargains!

　　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：大减价！特便宜！

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, Prices Slashed! and Fantastic Discounts!

　　左边的`商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：大砍价!大折扣!

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, ENTRANCE.

　　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：入口处。

英语的笑话9

　　Walking up to a department store's fabric（织物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

　　"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） . "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

　　With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人烦恼地） held it out.

　　The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老家伙） standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

　　一个漂亮的女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台，说：“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子，多少钱？”

　　“每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着，带着奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩说，“我要十码。”

　　带着期待的.表情，售货员很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一脸奸笑地送了过来。

　　女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的老头：“爷爷给我付账。”

英语的笑话10

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"

　　一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”

　　"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."

　　“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的.。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。” 店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

　　"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."

　　“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”

英语的笑话11

　　Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

　　A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

　　猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小.但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子.这个答案很有意思吧?

　　Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

　　A: By treading on his corn?

　　如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的.鸡眼,他会更生气.Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思.

　　Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

　　A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

　　因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的.你说呢?

　　Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

　　A: They make faces all day.

　　一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面.

　　Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

　　A: Keep him awake.

　　怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉.虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了.

英语的笑话12

　　Now I have two skunks in there

　　"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

　　"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

　　Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

　　"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"

　　“我们的.地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来?”

　　“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说;“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”

　　一段时间后，那人又打电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗?”调度员问他。

　　“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

英语的笑话13

　　The Umbrella

　　A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: "This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes." When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,"This card belongs to a man who can run tenmiles an hour. I shall not come back."

　　雨伞

　　一位住在旅馆的绅士把他的雨伞放在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了一张卡片，上面写道，“此伞属于一位能举百磅的.绅士。我将在十分钟内回来。当他回来时，发现雨伞已经不翼而飞，取而代之的是另一张卡片，上面写着：“此卡是一位一小时能跑十英里的人留下的，我将永远不回来了。”

英语的笑话14

　　谁的儿子最伟大

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

　　四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”

　　第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的`儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

　　第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”