英语小笑话通用【15篇】

英语小笑话1

　　'Isn't the head teacher a bit of a twit?' said a boy to a girl.

英语小笑话通用【15篇】

　　一个小男孩跟小女孩说：“你有没有觉得班主任有点傻?”

　　'Well, do you know who I am?' inquired the girl.

　　小女孩回答到：“啊哈，你知道我是谁吗?”

　　'No.' replied the boy.

　　小男孩回答道：“不知道。”

　　'I'm the head teacher's daughter', replied the girl.

　　小女孩说：“我就是你口中所说的傻班主任的女儿。”

　　'And do you know who I am?' asked the boy.

　　小男孩(面不改色心里惊恐地)问：“那你知道我是谁吗?”

　　'No,' she uttered.

　　小女孩说：“不知道。”

　　'Thank goodness!' said the boy with a sigh of relief.

　　小男孩大大的`松了口气，说道“真是谢天谢地啊。”

英语小笑话2

　　1.A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table

　　一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭

　　the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".

　　妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事吗?”丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史的。”

　　2.A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .

　　一位男子来到医生的办公室。“医生，每次我喝咖啡，我的右眼都有刺痛感。您说我该怎么办？”他问道。

　　"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.

　　“把勺子从咖啡杯里拿出来。”医生回答说。

　　3.To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project.

　　为避免我们的狗，莱希，纠缠来访的客人，我母亲常在爱犬喜欢呆的地方，即餐桌下面，摩昵它。一天，一个建筑商来谈居室装潢工程。

　　As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet.

　　在这人和我母亲坐在餐桌边谈居室的修茸时，我母亲滑脱了她的鞋子，开始不经意地用脚摩蹭起莱希来。

　　My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.

　　谈话进行了半个小时的'时候，我母亲突然感到很不好意思起来，因为这时她听到了莱希在前门外的犬吠声。

　　4.A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

　　一天早晨，一位黑人女人和一位金发女郎正走在公园里。

　　Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird

　　. 突然，黑人女人发现了一只死去的小鸟。

　　"Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

　　“哦!看这只死去的小鸟。”她悲伤地说。

　　The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

　　金发女郎停下了脚步，她抬头望着天空，问道：“哪，在那?”

　　5.The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了?”

　　"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

　　“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

　　6. A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."

　　有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。“我不明白，”法官说，“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?”丈夫解释道：“嗯，你是知道的，我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。”

　　7."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

　　“你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”

　　8.Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.弟弟：我看见你亲我姐姐了，如果你不给我五分钱，我就告诉我爸。

　　Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.姐姐的男朋友：不要那样做。给你五分钱。

　　Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。

　　9.s a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

　　一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。听到这个回答，陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。你帖那个告示做什么?” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前，大伙老被他绊倒。”

　　10.Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?

　　年少的童子军：我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒蕈区别开呢?

　　Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.

　　年长的童子军：上床前吃一个。如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。

英语小笑话3

　　Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？” Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．”

　　Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？” Father：“A convert，my son．”

　　有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？” 父亲（一位老资格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。” 有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的`人又叫什么呢？” 父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

英语小笑话4

　　When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

　　"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

　　"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

　　"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

　　我没有睡着

　　当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒!”

　　“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。

　　“没睡着?可是你眼睛都闭上了呀?”

　　“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”

英语小笑话5

　　Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

　　Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

　　Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

　　昂贵的代价

　　牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的'儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

　　母亲：二十五美元!可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀?

　　牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了

英语小笑话6

　　1. Guest:"Bub, do you go to school?"

　　客人：“小家伙，你上学了吗？”

　　boy:"What good shall I go to school? I can't read or write?"

　　孩子：“我上学有什么好处？我不会读，也不会写。”

　　2. The librarian went over to a small, noisy boy. "Please be quiet!" she warned. "The people around you can't read!"

　　图书管理员走到一个喧闹的小男孩身边，警告说：“请安静！你周围的人都不能读书了！”

　　"They can't?" The boy asked curiously. "Then what are they doing here?"

　　“不能读书？”小男孩好奇地问道。“那他们在这里干什么？”

　　3. betty:"Black hens are cleverer than white ones, aren't they?"

　　贝蒂：“黑母鸡比白母鸡聪明，对吗？”

　　Larry:"How do you know?"

　　拉里：“你怎么知道？”

　　Betty:"Well, the black hens can lay white eggs, but the white hens can't lay black ones."

　　贝蒂：“嗯，因为黑母鸡能下白蛋，可白母鸡不能下黑蛋。”

　　4. Bobby:"Billy broke my new doll!"

　　博比：“比利弄坏了我的新洋娃娃！”

　　Mum:"How did he do that?"

　　妈妈：“他是怎么弄坏的'？”

　　Bobby:"I hit him over the head with it."

　　博比：“我用洋娃娃打了他的头。”

　　5. "I wish I'd lived in the old times."

　　“我要是生活在古代就好了。”

　　"Why?"

　　“为什么？”

　　"Because there wouldn't be so much history to learn."

　　“因为那就不会有这么多历史要学了。”

英语小笑话7

　　While on a trip, Mom realized that she had forgotten a present for Dad's birthday.

　　旅途中，妈妈想起她忘记给爸爸买一件生日礼物。

　　"That's okay," he said, "The only thing I want is for you to love, honor and obey."

　　“没关系”，他说，“我最想要的东西是你的爱、忠贞和温顺”。

　　Mom pondered that idea and then replied "I'd rather buy you a gift."

　　妈妈沉思片刻后回答说，“我宁愿给你买一件礼物”。

英语小笑话8

　　why is he howling.

　　他为什么喊

　　dentist: please stop howling. i haven't even touched your tooth yet.

　　牙医：请你不要再喊了!我还没碰你的牙呢。

　　patient: i know, but you are standing on my foot!

　　病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀!

英语小笑话9

　　Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once,the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!

　　彼得十八岁那年参了军，他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵。彼得在其他方面都做得很好，但是射击不行。一天他和伙伴们练习射击，除了彼得其他人都没有问题。他射了九次，一次也没有命中目标。这时，教新兵射击的`教官说：彼得，你看来是没希望了，不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉！去那堵墙后面用它向自己打一枪吧。

　　Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.

　　彼得感到非常惭愧。他走到那堵墙后面。几分钟后，教官和新兵们听到一声枪响。

　　Heavens! The officer said. Has that silly man really shot himself?

　　上帝！教官叫起来，难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了？

　　He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. I'm sorry, sir, he said, but I missed again.

　　他急忙跑到那堵墙后面，发现彼得安然无恙。对不起，长官，他说，我还是没有命中。

英语小笑话10

　　As the mother of three small children born two years apart, I'm often very tired in the evening. Their father and I have set strict rules that after stories，prayers, one drink and the bathroom scene，they must go to bed and stay there.

　　One night，after a particularly trying day，all three were finally tucked in and I headed to the kitchen for some cookies，milk and solitude. I had just started to relax when I was surrounded by three little people，standing there watching me eat. Turning to their father I asked，"Do we relent or stick with the rules?"

　　Our three-year-old piped up，”Stick with the rules,Mom. "

　　Knowing she didn't really want to be sent back to bed,I asked，"And what are the rules，Mellisa?"

　　"Share with one another,"she replied.

英语小笑话11

　　GroundRules OneofmyfavoriteteachersatSoutheastMissouriStateUniversityinCapeGirardeauwasknownofhisdrollsenseofhumor.Explaininghisgroundrulestoonefreshmanclass,hesaid,"NowIknowmylecturescanoftenbedryandboring,soIdon‘tmindifyoulookatyourwatchesduringclass.Ido,however,objecttoyourpoundingthemonthedesktomakesurethey‘restillrunning."

　　基本原则

　　位于吉拉多海角的密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的`幽默感很是出名。在对一个新生班级讲解他的基本原则时，他说：“我知道我的讲课可能经常会枯燥乏味，了无生趣，所以如果你们在上课时看表我并不介意。不过我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲看它们是不是还在走。”

英语小笑话12

　　1：Animals go to Heaven

　　A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?' The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'

　　2：What is God's name?

　　A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

　　'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

　　'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.

　　'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

　　3：Question and answer

　　Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?

　　A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

　　Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?

　　A: He only had two worms!

　　Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?

　　A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

　　Q: Why did God create manbefore woman?

　　A: He didn't want any advice.

　　Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

　　A: A roamin' Catholic!

　　Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'

　　Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

　　Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

　　A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

英语小笑话13

　　"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

　　可怜的'丈夫

　　“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”

　　Who's More Polite?

　　A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

　　谁更有礼貌?

　　一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。

英语小笑话14

　　Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town． Sotired had the authoritiesbecome of contributing to his supportthat they decided to consign him to a living tomb．

　　Accordingly he was prepared for burial． The hearse was an old ramshacklecountry wagon． As the strange cortege moved along some old residentasked，“Who is it？” “Why，Seth Smith， who is too lazy to get anything to liveon， so we are going to bury him alive．” “I'll give him a bushel of corn，” said one．“And I will，”said another． Slowly raising his head， Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor？” “No，you must do that yourself．” Gently replacing his head， he said：“ Drive on， boys，drive on．”

　　塞思·史密斯被公认为镇上头号懒人。长官们实在懒得再供养他，便决定把他送进一个天然坟墓里去。

　　于是他被准备着去埋葬，灵车是一辆摇摇晃晃的乡下旧马车。正当这列奇怪的送葬队伍在行进时，一些老街坊问道：“这是谁啊？”“唉，塞思·史密斯，他懒得没法活了，我们这就去把他活埋。”“我来给他一蒲式耳谷子吧，”一个人说。“我也给，”另一个说。塞思慢慢抬起头来问道：“谷子脱粒了吗，街坊？” “没有，你得自己来。”他缓缓把头放回原处说：“接着走吧，孩子们，接着走吧。”

英语小笑话15

　　Midway Tactics

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

　　中间战术

　　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

　　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

　　左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

　　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。

　　Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　很高兴认识你

　　在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。

　　后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。

　　琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”

　　“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。

　　“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。”

　　Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　两名士兵

　　军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”

　　比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。

　　乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。

　　这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”

　　比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。

　　乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的`信箱里，还有...”他停住了。

　　“你还要什么?”比尔问。

　　乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五个月

　　第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。

　　可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。

　　“你多大了?”军医问。

　　“十八，长官。”约翰说。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”

　　约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”

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