2016雅思写作段落精细修改范例

　　雅思成绩被越来越多的外国驻华企业所认可。英语水平是外企招聘中国雇员的重要标准之一，而雅思成绩则被外企作为客观、全面反应应聘者英语水平的硬件指标。以下是yjbys网小编整理的关于雅思写作段落精细修改范例，供大家备考。

2016雅思写作段落精细修改范例

　　学生版本(6分)：Violent crime is more common phenomenon in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.

　　修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities. While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this violation, I still reckon that these two parties are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security.

　　考生作文解析：Violent crime is more common phenomenon (暴力犯罪是很少见的，但是有些学生很随便的“模板”思维就说，这是个很寻常的事情，殊不知这给考官会留下很差的逻辑不严谨的印象。需要修改为：a rare phenomenon 不符合常情) in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote(stimulate 用词不准确)it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.

　　修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities.(背景句要符合事实，客观细化描述) While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this ( 用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度) violation( 词汇的多样性体现), i still reckon (表达观点时候，先写对方然后写自己能够句子之间的逻辑，是批判性思维的'体现) that these two parties (用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度) are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security. (学会写并列句and thus ,and therefore, and conversely 能有效增加句子展开的力度

　　学生版本(6分)：There are several elements which could effect people’s job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the fundamental demand of seeking a work. Majority of people consider that the more money they earn the more happy they get because people can support their family better with a higher wage。

　　改版本答案用来回答：是哪些因素影响雇员的工作满意度。

　　考生作文解析：学生的答案，语法问题一处，就是effect 是名词，要修改成动词affect, 这2个词容易混淆。另外的主要问题是中国学生一般英文不注重CC 就是连贯度的问题，就是句子和句子之间的逻辑和内在联系不够，即使表面上是有：外在连接词的。

　　There are several contributing factors ( 直接用地道词伙，效果更好) leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite (直接用地道词伙，效果更好)to the decent job as the majority of employees(写雇员，不要再写PEOPLE) consider that the more money they(用they 来指代前面出现的人，能够提高句子和句子的衔接) earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.(解释一下为什么钱重要的原因，是本段用来展开作文的理由的关键)

　　修改后版本: 7分示范 There are several contributing factors leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite to the decent job as the majority of employees consider that the more money they earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.

　　拓展阅读：写作题目

　　Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports

　　stars, even though theydo not set a good example. Do you think this is a

　　positive or negativedevelopment?

　　题目写作思路分析

　　大纲：逻辑心图，四段定位，18句装配。

　　起--好现象，因为对年轻人来说，既是心态正常又是反应社会发展，与道德考虑无关。

　　承--理由例子细节。年轻人崇拜明星是极其正常的心里历程，无关道德榜样。

　　转--理由例子细节。年轻人崇拜明星是反应媒体社会的影响，无关道德榜样。

　　合--整体而言是好现象，到底青年人免不了崇拜明星，所以道德的联想应该摆在一边。

　　范文

　　There is no need to be overly preoccupied with the fantasy images of

　　starsstanding out from the rest on the screen, the stage and the playing

　　fieldbecause celebrity worship is part of everyday life, particularly

　　amongadolescents. That young people are admiring media and sports

　　celebrities issocially normal outside the academic and behavioral

　　context. Accepting that itis good and natural to be young, then it is

　　inevitable for young people to beobsessed with certain personalities as

　　their ideal examples.

　　Psychologically speaking, a certain amount of

　　star admiration is normal.When young, becoming fans of favorite

　　stars is a form of escapism and a way todull emotional pain and stress;

　　so, emulating celebrities is a natural part ofdevelopment to identify

　　themselves with their icons. Even in adulthood, peoplerank successful

　　individuals highly and model themselves after them. In a globalmedia

　　culture, the lifestyle promoted by stars is often unattainable to

　　theaverage person, regardless of whether it is realistic or ideal.

　　Hence, the pointis that young people choose their models for reasons

　　based on renownedexcellence in a specific field rather than on scandals

　　that happen sometimes.That is, it is to admire what is shining in famous

　　people's career successes andnot what happen to shadow their real

　　lives.

　　Not unlike fashion, "star worship syndrome" is simply a

　　social development,although there could be an unhealthy interest in the

　　private lives of actors,actresses, pop singers, and sports players.

　　Admiring celebrities may be as blindas falling in love, and just as

　　normal. When it comes to immature and confusedminds, love cannot be

　　avoided, nor can admiration for heroes and heroines. Suchstar obsession

　　has proliferated since the creation of the mass media andtherefore it

　　had better not be regarded as a moral issue. To believe thatcelebrity

　　worship is a negative development only makes out-of-date moral

　　sense,leading to nowhere. In this gossip world, to criticize celebrities

　　for failingto deliver good examples all the time beyond their

　　specialized fields calls forthe need to stop, in the first place, the

　　media outlets from reporting whatgossip is made of.

　　Admiration for favorite stars does no harm to people, young or old;besides, star

　　admiration cannot be avoided in this information age. Fortunately,most

　　fans are able to learn to tell a realistic world from an ideal world

　　duringthis period between no-longer children and not-yet adults, without

　　having torefer to moral examples. Indeed, there is nothing wrong about

　　young peopleseeking their idols by looking up at the shining stars in

　　the fantasy world towhich many young people naturally belong.

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