2016雅思大作文批改实录精选

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2016雅思大作文批改实录精选

　　题目

　　When children make mistakes, they should be punished. Do you think so? How should they be punished?

　　学生习作

　　The issue about punishment on children has always been discussed in these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree with the opinion that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although some slight problems still exist.

　　The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.

　　Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

　　According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but notto punish them.

　　To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

　　评分：5.5

　　整体评价：文章基本按照题目要求，完成了题目要求的各项内容。观点也比较清楚，即对儿童的惩罚是必要的，但同时也有一定危险，因此，应该注意惩罚的方法。词汇有一定幅度，但不少地方使用不准确。作者做出了使用复杂句的努力，虽然多数时候都没有完全正确。

　　主要问题：(1)有些观点发展不够充分，没有提供足够证据;(2)语法错误较多，个别地方是大错误，影响了读者的理解。

　　建议：(1)进一步提高句子写作能力，尽量消除句子中的重大语法错误;(2)构思的时候应更严密，每一个观点都要有足够的证据去支持。

　　逐句修订及说明

　　第1段

　　修改： The issue about punishment of children has always been discussed these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although kinds of punishment that parents and teachers are allowed to use ought to be more carefully considered.

　　评改说明：(1) “I strongly agree with the opinion that…” 是累赘表达，可简化为“I strongly agree that…”; (2) “although some slight problems still exist” 的意义所指模糊，应该明确指出到底是什么问题。第一段的最后一句话往往统领全文观点，应该尽可能将自己的观点表达明确。根据下文，你实际上是想表达 “我同意应该给孩子惩罚，但至于惩罚的方式，则应该小心选择”，因此修改文将此明确出来。

　　第2段

　　修改：The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can make them understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell more lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.

　　评改说明：(1) “seems to be a must” 过于口语化，应改为更正式的书面语。雅思写作中不宜用过于口语的表达，甚至一些缩写方式都要谨慎使用，比如don’t, doesn’t, can’t, 最好使用它们的完整形式，比如do not, does not, cannot。(2)By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. 这句话是句法错误，逻辑上，criticize的主语应该是parents and teachers，但在原文中，主语却变成了they(孩子们)。也就是说，by后面那个动词的逻辑主语，必须与主句的主语一致。比如：

　　By doing so, the government can solve the environmental issues.

　　By working hard, he completed the task three days ahead of schedule.

　　另外，“The children who have done something by mistake”的意思是 “因为粗心而误做了什么事情的孩子””，实际上，你想表达的却是“犯错的孩子”，应该是 “the children who have made mistakes”。(3)原文中的几个意思联系非常紧密，我将它们合并成了一句，使表达更为紧密。(4)在本段结尾，我增加了一句，本句作为例子，进一步证明punishment的作用。(5)第一句中有个细节改动，我增加了一个词 “probably”，使原文的语气显得温和，这是英文的习惯做法，比如：

　　There are mainly three reasons why this has happened.

　　Environmental pollution is probably the most serious issue in the world today.

　　第3段

　　修改：Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. Now Andrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

　　评改说明：(1)advantage作主语，后面的形容词表语不用true,应该用obvious,即,the advantage...is obvious。(2)举例我使用了真名Andrew，原文那样的举例不够具体，举例最好用具体的人或名。(请参考我的修改)

　　第4段&第5段

　　To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

　　修改：In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them,it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future,so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.

　　修改说明：(1)According to = in light of，在正式论文里使用in light of更合适;(2)这里是在总结前文，不是在举例，所以for example不太合适。(3)he can realise his false 表达不清楚，应该是he can realise his mistakes; 而且本句前后逻辑不清楚，即kids'mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his mistakes, 必须照顾孩子的情绪，他才能意识到他的.错误?这里逻辑似乎是：在让孩子意识到自己错误的时候，也必须照顾到孩子的情绪(老雅将情绪替换成了自尊，好像更好)。(4)Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. 本句表达意思不清楚。“建议客观的劝导，同时禁止暴力行为”?这是什么意思呢?是不是说，在惩罚孩子的时候，最好是劝导，而不用暴力?但这个观点与全文观点矛盾了，因为前文说必须要惩罚孩子，而这里却说要用劝导的方法。因此，老雅将此地改为“因为惩罚的目的是为了帮助孩子改正错误，而不是要惩罚他们，所以建议不要使用任何形式的体罚”，这样前后的逻辑更通顺一些。

　　修改后全文

　　The issue about punishment of children has always been discussed these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although kinds of punishment that parents and teachers are allowed to use ought to be more carefully considered.

　　The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can make them understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.

　　Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. Now Andrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

　　In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them,it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future,so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.

　　得分：7

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